Letter sent to selected family members in the Summer of 1995...
(and since sent to many others...)

Dear family & or friends,

I have planned on giving you this letter now for some time. My plan was to actually give you this letter on my birthday last year. I can’t wait for another birthday to pass, so I will send this to you now. My plan was to tell you that I would be giving you a gift for my birthday. The gift of honesty. Honesty can be given at anytime of the year, and now is as good a time as any I suppose. For many years there has been something that I have wanted to tell all of you. Yet again and again I have been too much of a coward to tell you. I finally chose this letter which I will start today on June 14th 1994 and give to you at some time in the future. I'm sure that it will take at least a few months or maybe longer for me to gather all of my thoughts. You may be asking yourself why I chose to write to you instead of telling you all in person. Well, I'm not real sure. I would have liked to tell you personally, but I get too nervous. I wanted to express some of my feelings without being interrupted. My intent is to chat with each and every one of you about your questions and concerns. It took me 28 years to get to this point, so I don't expect you to jump too high to immediately support me in this decision to tell you the following: Over the years I have been involved in many activities. I have been active in my religion, my schooling, my family, and my social activities with my friends. I have been deeply troubled for many years thinking that this would all change if anyone found out my deepest secret. As far back as elementary school, I have had a same-sex attraction towards men. I used to cry myself to sleep at night asking God to make it stop. I wanted to feel like my other friends. I wanted to be attracted to the girls instead of the boys. This situation didn't improve despite my many hours of deep discussion with my Heavenly Father. I became a very spiritual and emotional person through the tremendous amount of prayer offered. In striving to become a better person, I cannot live with this lie any longer. It is unhealthy. I have wanted to leave this life because of this issue numerous times. I thank God that I never had the guts to do anything about it because that would just make things worse. Over the years it has hurt me terribly that I haven't been able to share this part of my life with anyone. I realized something not too long ago. I cannot hurt you by expressing to you in words that I am gay. If you are hurt by this, it will be your choice. The pressure is building. I am 28 years old and single. The trips home are fewer, and I hardly ever stay. I know that you are not trying to hurt me because you had no idea. When the questions of marriage and dating come up, it's just too hard to deal with. I find myself making the choice in the future of either telling you how I feel or distancing myself from you. I cannot avoid my family nor my friends. You mean too much to me. I cannot exclude you from my life. I am your son, brother, grandson, uncle, and friend. That will never change. This is not something that you can talk yourself out of. Trust me! I've tried. I did not choose this. I am this. Think about it. Being gay is not a popular thing. Why would someone choose to be this persecuted? Do you know the mental torment that I go through everyday because of what I believe in my religion? I love God with all my heart, and I have had many heart to heart conversations with Him about this issue. I figured out what I was doing wrong. I was always asking him to help me change instead of understanding my feelings. I have never felt better than when I started asking God if I could understand my feelings instead of asking him to change them. This is what I am. There is no question in my mind. I will still live a happy and successful life. Hopefully I will find someone to share it with. I have a lot of love to give someone, and I know that God won't deny my sharing it. Many people of the world would like to think that homosexuality is a choice. I am hear to tell you that it is not. Did you know that current 1994 statistics show that 8 to 10 gay teenagers commit suicide EVERYDAY!! Do you think that God wants these children dead because the pressure is too great to handle. Please don't exclude me from your lives because of your new knowledge about me. I am the same person that I have always been and always will be. Of course, the choice is yours. God loves ALL of his children. Why should we accept anything less from ourselves.

Sincerely,

Kirt J Beck

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